Before the Camino, by Julie Haupert

I wonder if everyone who walks the Camino feels called to do it. How could we know since so

much of what we do isn’t known until it’s done? I wonder how many people feel the awareness

of the call in some form or another? Does it surface when our lives make a dramatic shift or is it

sensed as a longing for more meaning in our lives? For those who have done it, maybe even

more than once, maybe even over and over; I wonder what it is they found, what they left, what

they brought back to share and to live out. What is it that brings our lives to this point? To walk

500 miles in the ancient steps of the seeker.

Sometimes, I think my mother gave birth to me on the Camino. I can remember the first time I

had an inkling of awareness that my life would follow The Way. I was about 4 years old and

attending summer vacation Bible school. Songs about letting my little light shine and the scent

of root beer kool-aid in tiny paper cups and freshly baked sugar cookies filled my senses. These

are the impressions that became memories whispering, “There’s something inside of you worth

finding”.

The smell of root-beer kool-aid and cookies was that scallop shell, a milepost on the journey of

my soul seeking heart.

In the many years since, I’m still on that path, it became my life assignment . . . to uncover who I

really am as I walk through life. To slowly discover the many parts of me. This might sound

selfish to some but I have grown to understand it as being soulfish and gave it that name to

represent my action toward inner growth. I have a desire to listen to my soul’s voice and to do

the inner work it asks of me. I believe that my journey is continuously opening to me, as it simply

reveals more questions, and many more lessons.

In early 1999 and in the midst of a transformational point in my life, I decided to join a group

called “Women Walk the Marathon”. Our united goal was to train and complete the 26.2 miles of

the Portland Oregon Marathon. My decision was based on a need to accomplish something in

my life that mirrored my inner journey. I wanted to make a commitment to myself, and to walk

my talk. I trained for this marathon for 9 months, like the human gestation period, through three

seasons of change. My body and soul became stronger, and after feeling the pains of my labor,

culminated in the exhilarating walk across the finish line and the beginning of another passage

into life.

Several years later I began to read about the Camino de Santiago and could feel its call

immediately. I have been envisioning this challenge since that time. I have read books, blogs

and articles. I’ve perused maps of each trail, learning about its seasons and geography, its

spiritual meaning and the pilgrims who have done it for more than a thousand years. I have

mentioned it to friends, my husband and my kids in hopes of finding that kindred spirit who says

Yes!! I want to do it! But their passion soon fizzles out, it’s not always regarded as a “vacation”

and so off to the Oregon coast or Africa where they walk for their own purpose.

I have come to the conclusion that even just imagining yourself walking the Way of St. James

has got to be some sort of calling.

There are inner battles to fight.

I am afraid of the pure physicality of it. I worry that my body can’t take the load of a backpack

for hundreds of hours, I remember all too well the pain of broken and bleeding blisters rubbing

underneath my socks and shoes with each step, in a very long day. I think about the many

pilgrims in the hostels and sleeping on a bunk next to a snoring stranger, well, it makes me a

little anxious inside. What about the bathroom scene? And the stories of the wild dogs! I do not

want to find a pack of wild dogs on the trail, with their eyes piercing mine ready to attack me.

Dogs like me and I like dogs, I have a loving dog of my own, but I don’t want them to eat me on

this road to enlightenment!

I can learn a new language, at least well enough to find a cup of coffee and enjoy some

conversation. I imagine I’ll meet people who I relate to, lovers of something new, people taking

risks who are open minded and feel moved by the adventure of living. The Camino is filled with

people with their own stories and hopefully, the willingness to share it. I’m certain that I won’t be

too bored unless I choose to be.

I am afraid to go alone and at the same time I want to go alone. This makes sense for me as I

have found that doing what I fear is a great challenge and supports my personal growth. I would

also love to take this walk with someone I love to share the experience and the many memories

made. But going back to the wild dogs and snoring strangers, yikes and yuk! Can I do this? That

is really what it comes down to for me, my fear of being on my own on a path across the globe.

Is that the agreement I must make with The Way? To follow the path of my fears? It’s familiar to

me, I have walked in that direction before.

It’s this part, the years before the Camino, the days and months and years of preparing myself

to do this. Like a treasure hunt; investigating, reading and thinking, planning, worrying and

procrastinating are a part of what it takes to get there. I have read that you begin the Camino

when you take that first step out your door. I would add that the preparation might be included in

that step as well.

As I reflect on my inner process I see more clearly that we are all on our own Caminos. And for

myself, I can see that walking a marathon, through the woods, or the Camino de Santiago is a

physical metaphor for my inner journey. I like how that feels, it feels like a calling.

Carry on!

Julie Haupert (TTC CoFounder, Jake Haupert’s mom)